Shelbysue's Journals

burned out, crashed, and dead

there is my second to the last day of school and i feel like its mid dcemeber right now. i do not feel like my junior year is over. i feel like i have so much to finish this year. i did finish many things and accomplish a lot, and grow more than i thought. i have realized so many things about myself that i never thought i would have as a part of my life. if that makes any sense, it does in my head.

but many things make sense in my head and never come out right properly when i say them or write them down.

so anyways, this year is over and i cannot belive that i am about to become a senior. this is crazy talk! i remember starting kindergarten so clearly and i barely remember yesterday. i do not remember anything that happened during my childhood, it was too much fun but too typical and robotic. so i'll believe that it was awesome and my family was amazing to me. i will always remember the good times more than the bad, i guess thats opposite of most people but i choose to remember th good and forget the bad. since i forgive too easily i forget quite easily also, and it could have something to do with my bad memory.

i am going to document the rest of my life, no matter how. journal, video, photos. it will be documented from now on. not just till next year when i finish my 365 project which i have not been updating, but i have been doing it! my laptop doesn't cynchronize everything on to my laptop when i leave shcool. >.> shitty deals.

FUCK! i am going to be a senior. this is still ming boggling, so exciting and scary. sure, its annoying as fuck when people say "it seems like just yesterday..." or "i remember when you were only this high"

well news flash! you were once that size too and it should boggle your mind as well because i'm just as shocked that this time has zipped right by the rest of the world. and i remember saying in freshman year that this is definitely taking too long! they have no diea what they're talking about, high shcool doesn't fly by!! but oh yes it does.

so many new things have been introduced to me, and they all make me the person that i am today. including everything bad! haha. fucking taena :D the life ruiner imporver.

uuuuggh! i cannot even explain anything that is going on right now, i want to spill my guts but it seems that my guts are lost in a sea of oblivion and confusion right now.

stupid stupid stupid pie

he's here to "help" pay bills and shit. but he sleeps with his lights, tv, and fan on. he's wasting electricity. starts drinking as soon as he wakes up. always tries to talk to me, i don't like it. i enjoy the quiet during the afternoon when i'm at home. i wish he would shut the fuck up

the english language

so i was listening to the ol' folks talk at home and they were talking about how so many people can't speak proper English and how there are so many immigrants that are smarter than us in math, science, and other things.
i always thought thing, but why the FUCK do they tell us to sound it out when you never knew if you were supposed to use a K or a C, or K or CK, F or PH. and how in the hell are we supposed to know about the silent letters? seriously, what in the hell is the point of having silent letters, its like having a wedding ring on but you say that you're not married. yeah stupid analogy.
but seriously the English language is so stupid, and so fucking hard to learn. and if you already know it, it's way more than likely you'll make a mistake.

fuck

me in the ass till i puke

fuck. i hate having a laptop from school! and having to synchronize shit before i leave campus. now my fucking outline that is due tmr isn't on my computer because i didn't synchronize! how fucking fantabulous. seriously i am so pissed off! and i have to finish my marine bio poster. and my 3 math projects. and a design for computer art. and my entrance project for FIDM. and shoot for digital photography. and finish my project for architecture.
i am sooooo fucking screwed. yet i am on here writing shit!
uugghhhh i picked the WRONG day to stop smoking. hahah! i want one...
NO I DON'T! im just kidding.
i need to see my dress that my mom is making so i don't go insane worrying about that.
my room is disgusting. and i need to wash clothes.
my life is so fucking crazy, i need a vacation.
spring break! uugghh i need it already

i've never been this far away from home

i want to go back to where i was born, i long for everything that is back there.
i can't wait for summer, i'm not sure what i'll be doing exactly. but hopefully it will involve concerts, and many of them... but mostly getting off maui or out of hawaii.
i really, really want to go to the Noise! program in Nashville. fuckity fuck fuck. i need to work on my essays and other entry things.it would be so amazing to go, dream come true, the best learning experience for someone my age. meeting people from the industry would inspire me so much!
so these past few weeks... haha damn it i need to write a lot.
okay..
hmm..
jess and i are going to prom together. should be super fun. and i'm going to lopaka's prom. ahaha damn it. along with nea who will be wearing a pink dress. mom and i will be working on my dress this weekend. can't wait for it. i just have to finalize my deisgn. fucking shit! i really don't know what i want.. tank, haulter?? i hate being so god damn indecisive! royal blue is my color, since that one betsey dress.. the color looks really good on me. i wanted to have a long version of that dress. but i don't think it will look good.
anyway. tomorrow mahea, ariel, and i are drinking! yeaya! last n ight before uncle earl moves in. oh my goodness. it will suck! fucking hell i hate having people home all the time. so anyway.

yeah i don't feel like writing atm

oh my god!!

i don't know where my camera is.. but i think its in kellie's car.. i saw it in there last. and i swear if i left it in robert's car i will be the worst person in the world, unless robert isn't the biggest ass in the world and doesn't look at the pictures. uuuggghhhh FUCK! i will cry so hard if its not in there. aaaaaaaand my school camera is in cajudoy's and she didn't answer when mom called her to tell her to lock it up. i swear to fucking god, if she left it out i will yank the fat off her body even if it takes the rest of my high school career.
shiiiiiit!!

so friday night i went to the king K vs. Maui high game, tied 1-1. even though king K should have won. stupid fucking ref called off sides. worst call ever!! i still hope that they go to states, cause im going with kellie that weekend, i hope. but kalei said that she was coming to maui that weekend. and i told kalei that i would clear my weekend for her. im a horrible friend, i don't know why people want to be my friend. uuugggghhhhh. omgggggg and when i saw jess after the game i got so excited. haha. he's so cute :)

ohh fuck aunty lori is here.

ooooooooooohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh my god!! everything i wrote just got fucking deleted.
i hate technology grrrrrrrr (insert very angry face)

uuhhhhh..

why the hell is buzznet posting my pics out of order? its saying that my pic that i just posted was posted 12 hours ago. WTF? that is so stupid. i wish you could rearrange them.

life has been the same, boring ol' stuff. took lots of photos today. but deleted like half of them. haha
yeah im too lazy to write right now

I am....

doing this to procrastinate form doing my marine biology homework. (im going to list things that i am, random facts about me. starting.... now) the shortest in my family Irish, Japanese, Scottish, German, Indian (Black Foot Tribe), Hawaiian, Chinese, British very messy confused about what i want to do in life eager to find new music looking for a special someone not looking forward to school tomorrow running out of things to say the only girl of the cousins on my dad's side of the family the only girl in the family that i grew up with, and the youngest desperate to get a tattoo going to get my septum pierced during spring break, at least i hope hearing my mom's car in the drive way bored of maui glad that i was home alone today going to put my mom's lint roller back upstairs excited that my mom got the paper that i need for my dad to sign for me to get my permit!! hungry going to do my marine biology bye

why did the chicken cross the road

there's so many answers to that question. but today i had to ask myself why did the chicken try to cross the road? especially during traffic??
so, i was walking home from the bus stop and i see a chicken in the middle of the road and i think to myself "oh no, this chicken is going to die!"
its about to start crossing the road, when a big black truck comes right behind it and the chicken made a quick U-turn and feathers fly, it makes a funny sound. and i laugh at it, the girls walking in front of me turn around to look at me strangely.. maybe they thought that i was laughing at them, not sure..
so yeah, that was funny!

i didn't test on anything today for piano, im already fucking failing in that god damned class. shit!!
mahea's mom told her to put make up on which made me really mad, she looks completely fine with out it. so many people do, its just that we feel insecure about ourselves and we shouldn't feel the need to look good to others we just need to feel good and confident about ourselves. it makes me so angry that people tell you how you should look, that you need to be a certain way for certain people. you should be you for everyone, no matter what. life isn't real if you're fake.
i think seeing people without make up is strange because you get used to seeing them like that for a long time and that image is constantly in your head when you think about that person, even though you knew them when they didn't wear make up. you adjust to the change a person had made and you accept them, but you are shocked when you see them revert back to "your oldself"
be not insecure of looks, they matter not to those who love you.

haha i just made that up. don't really think it makes sense. but oh wellllllll

okay going to bed.

life is funny upside down

especially if you're feeling a bit tipsy. but if you're smart you wouldn't try what i did! putting the video up tomorrow. this weekend has been very good. im sad for it to come to a close. the fun gradually grew with each day, and the human contact did too. friday i stayed home because of the storm, which didn't really seem like a storm. but in some parts of the island it did, a tree went through someone's roof in kula, someone's stairs got torn off their house on their beachfront wailuku property. that sucks A LOT. i did nothing at all that day. pretty sad. saturday Caitie and I watched Paul Blart: Mall Cop. that movie was pretty alright, not the greatest. I only saw one of the previews, so it wasn't spoiled for me. like the "peanut blart and jelly" part. i could not stop laughing! yeah so when i got to the theater Caitie texted me saying that she was 20 minutes away, so i just sat down and listened to my ipod, and saw the line growing. so i was going to stand in line and buy her ticket too just in case it sold out. but she said ten minutes away. so i waited, then she said 2 minutes and i got in line to get my ticket. when she finally reached the theater i got in line to save her a spot, and the guy put up the SOLD OUT sign. so she just bought a ticket for the unborn. and we were late for the movie obviously.. we got out popcorn and drink then went to look for a seat... we ended up on the stairs, then a worker came in and said that we can't sit there. but there was at least 10 other people on the stairs. what ever, we moved to the front row.. not my favorite spot to be. we drank the juice so there was enough room for me to put the "water" (vodka). we were almost tipsy when we left, early. i had to pee like it was nobody's business! we left right after that stupid S.W.A.T. jackass got arrested. it was obvious that he would end up with the girl so we went to pee. then we walked to the mall and chatted with mahea before she had to go in for work. had some candy. i bought caitie jamba since she bought the popcorn and drink. i bought panda's and then her mom picked us up. end of day. sunday was fun! i woke up at like 9 something, got dressed, ate, brushed my teeth, did my make up. everything was out of order. haha. i waited around for aunty lori to pick me up for driver's ed at 12:30. class started at 2 ended an hour early at 4. seabury is a weird school, well how the campus is set up seems strange and confusing to me. when i was lying down on the couch in the teacher's office area my arm's shadow on my leg was greeeeeeeen! it was so cool. like... how the hell is a shadow green?? i tried to take a picture with my phone, didn't happen. aunty charlene didn't even remember me! haha but i didn't try to make her. aunty tammy didn't recognize me at first. haha. i feel so retarded for not having my permit! i need to get that paper to give to dad already! i am getting so damn impatient. but i think its kinda dumb because i dont even have a car to drive, and my mom wouldn't let me borrow hers because she works at night. uuggghhhh. okay yeaaaah. there was a girl named Laura, and she had a suuper high pitched voice it was annoying. she was very pretty.. she would answer pretty much every question even if it was directed to someone else, and she would make a lot of comments. she just seemed very awkward. terani was there too, but he was just making up a class. after class aunty lori dropped me off at the mall so i could watch bride wars with mahea. i fucking loved that movie!! anne hathaway is a goddess, i love her. she's so gorgeous. ooh i forgot! aunty lori is making me apologize to grandma lola, papa john, aunty lisa, and herself because i drank at their house, and it was grandma lola and papa john's alcohol. i didn't know that. kaili made it for me, but i don't wanna play the innocent card and blame it all on him. i don't even know what to say.. its so fucking stupid! god i hate her sometimes, she thinks that can just make me do what ever? her attitude is so stupid, and her personality bugs me a lot. i could go on and on about her. but if i read this in 4 years i will know exactly what i mean.. so yeaaaaah. bride wars. very good movie! cute stuff. when i bought the tickets i said "one to bride wars" and the thing said $19.00 and i was like WHAT THE FUUUUUCK!? but i got charged for two. which is retarded because i said one. haha i was my wearing my lesbian shirt so maybe he thought i was buying for mahea because we're on a date or something. hahaha funnnyyyyyyyyyy! after the movie we walked back to the mall and it was DESERTED. at 7pm. i didn't think that the mall closed so early but it does. haha. we wait at the bus stop, and we decide to go to our spot, and the ride takes FOREVER. and the guys who were sitting by us said something like "oh what is this? black vs. white? being racist?" and i thought that they were talking about me and mahea since we're white. and they were all darker and there was a black lady. and everyone except that lady was wearing black.. i think. or maybe between themselves it was b v. w. idk. it was weird! so we get to sack n save after the longest bus ride everrr. and we go to mc donalds to get sundaes. then we start to get scared that creepy people will be by the river, so we look to see if the water was running, which it was then we go back to the main road and walk home. then we mixed out first drink at 9pm. that was a blast! only the 2nd time i was drunk with her. we've been getting drunk with everyone else except each other. so it was fun to do it. and hahahah! we went to go smoke outside, but i was scared that my mom was going to come home. so we were gonna go by the sewing room but i went behind the sheds. ahah it was so funny. the cigarette went by so fast. todaaaaaaay i woke up at fuckin 7:45 to turn off my music because it was playing all night. and i see that mahea still has the trash can next to her on my bed. and i go to take a picture, but the flash comes up and she wakes up. so she hid her face. but the picture is still good because she is sleeping next to a fucking trash can like it was a teddy bear or something. she said that she fell asleep with her face in the trash can (from the bathroom) and she could feel things on her face. haha too classic. we ate, she had coffee and i had ibuprofen. then we blew bubbles!! got dressed and headed for the mall. totally forgetting that we would have to meet Kali there. i pretty much spent all my christmas money!! i bought 3 pairs of pants: one purple, one gray, one black. one v-neck shirt. one skirt jumper thing. and i bought mahea a uber cute flannel. and food. haha. i spend a total of $133.91 today. i am never getting a credit card. i know that even if its for an emergency i will use it for shopping and shit. i wanna see confessions of a shopaholic. haha. so we met up with Kali and he had parrot bay! and i felt bad because we didn't want any. but we told him last night that we did... but that was just the alcohol talking. so he's saving for this weekend! then we all left... and here i am. haha i need to get ready for school. bbyyyyeeeeeee sexual