shelbysue

there is my second to the last day of school and i feel like its mid dcemeber right now. i do not feel like my junior year is over. i feel like i have so much to finish this year. i did finish many things and accomplish a lot, and grow more than i thought. i have realized so many things about myself that i never thought i would have as a part of my life. if that makes any sense, it does in my head.

but many things make sense in my head and never come out right properly when i say them or write them down.

so anyways, this year is over and i cannot belive that i am about to become a senior. this is crazy talk! i remember starting kindergarten so clearly and i barely remember yesterday. i do not remember anything that happened during my childhood, it was too much fun but too typical and robotic. so i'll believe that it was awesome and my family was amazing to me. i will always remember the good times more than the bad, i guess thats opposite of most people but i choose to remember th good and forget the bad. since i forgive too easily i forget quite easily also, and it could have something to do with my bad memory.

i am going to document the rest of my life, no matter how. journal, video, photos. it will be documented from now on. not just till next year when i finish my 365 project which i have not been updating, but i have been doing it! my laptop doesn't cynchronize everything on to my laptop when i leave shcool. >.> shitty deals.

FUCK! i am going to be a senior. this is still ming boggling, so exciting and scary. sure, its annoying as fuck when people say "it seems like just yesterday..." or "i remember when you were only this high"

well news flash! you were once that size too and it should boggle your mind as well because i'm just as shocked that this time has zipped right by the rest of the world. and i remember saying in freshman year that this is definitely taking too long! they have no diea what they're talking about, high shcool doesn't fly by!! but oh yes it does.

so many new things have been introduced to me, and they all make me the person that i am today. including everything bad! haha. fucking taena :D the life ruiner  imporver.

uuuuggh! i cannot even explain anything that is going on right now, i want to spill my guts but it seems that my guts are lost in a sea of oblivion and confusion right now.

he's here to "help" pay bills and shit. but he sleeps with his lights, tv,  and fan on. he's wasting electricity. starts drinking as soon as he wakes up. always tries to talk to me, i don't like it. i enjoy the quiet during the afternoon when i'm at home. i wish he would shut the fuck up

so i was listening to the ol' folks talk at home and they were talking about how so many people can't speak proper English and how there are so many immigrants that are smarter than us in math, science, and other things.
i always thought thing, but why the FUCK do they tell us to sound it out when you never knew if you were supposed to use a K or a C, or K or CK, F or PH. and how in the hell are we supposed to know about the silent letters? seriously, what in the hell is the point of having silent letters, its like having a wedding ring on but you say that you're not married. yeah stupid analogy.
but seriously the English language is so stupid, and so fucking hard to learn. and if you already know it, it's way more than likely you'll make a mistake.

me in the ass till i puke

fuck. i hate having a laptop from school! and having to synchronize shit before i leave campus. now my fucking outline that is due tmr isn't on my computer because i didn't synchronize! how fucking fantabulous. seriously i am so pissed off! and i have to finish my marine bio poster. and my 3 math projects. and a design for computer art. and my entrance project for FIDM. and shoot for digital photography. and finish my project for architecture.
i am sooooo fucking screwed. yet i am on here writing shit!
uugghhhh i picked the WRONG day to stop smoking. hahah! i want one...
NO I DON'T! im just kidding.
i need to see my dress that my mom is making so i don't go insane worrying about that.
my room is disgusting. and i need to wash clothes.
my life is so fucking crazy, i need a vacation.
spring break! uugghh i need it already

i want to go back to where i was born, i long for everything that is back there.
i can't wait for summer, i'm not sure what i'll be doing exactly. but hopefully it will involve concerts, and many of them... but mostly getting off maui or out of hawaii.
i really, really want to go to the Noise! program in Nashville. fuckity fuck fuck. i need to work on my essays and other entry things.it would be so amazing to go, dream come true, the best learning experience for someone my age. meeting people from the industry would inspire me so much!
so these past few weeks... haha damn it i need to write a lot.
okay..
hmm..
jess and i are going to prom together. should be super fun. and i'm going to lopaka's prom. ahaha damn it. along with nea who will be wearing a pink dress. mom and i will be working on my dress this weekend. can't wait for it. i just have to finalize my deisgn. fucking shit! i really don't know what i want.. tank, haulter?? i hate being so god damn indecisive! royal blue is my color, since that one betsey dress.. the color looks really good on me. i wanted to have a long version of that dress. but i don't think it will look good.
anyway. tomorrow mahea, ariel, and i are drinking! yeaya! last n ight before uncle earl moves in. oh my goodness. it will suck! fucking hell i hate having people home all the time. so anyway.


yeah i don't feel like writing atm

i don't know where my camera is.. but i think its in kellie's car.. i saw it in there last. and i swear if i left it in robert's car i will be the worst person in the world, unless robert isn't the biggest ass in the world and doesn't look at the pictures. uuuggghhhh FUCK! i will cry so hard if its not in there. aaaaaaaand my school camera is in cajudoy's and she didn't answer when mom called her to tell her to lock it up. i swear to fucking god, if she left it out i will yank the fat off her body even if it takes the rest of my high school career.
shiiiiiit!!

so friday night i went to the king K vs. Maui high game, tied 1-1. even though king K should have won. stupid fucking ref called off sides. worst call ever!! i still hope that they go to states, cause im going with kellie that weekend, i hope. but kalei said that she was coming to maui that weekend. and i told kalei that i would clear my weekend for her. im a horrible friend, i don't know why people want to be my friend. uuugggghhhhh. omgggggg and when i saw jess after the game i got so excited. haha. he's so cute :)


ohh fuck aunty lori is here.


ooooooooooohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh my god!! everything i wrote just got fucking deleted.
i hate technology grrrrrrrr (insert very angry face)

why the hell is buzznet posting my pics out of order? its saying that my pic that i just posted was posted 12 hours ago. WTF? that is so stupid. i wish you could rearrange them.

life has been the same, boring ol' stuff. took lots of photos today. but deleted like half of them. haha
yeah im too lazy to write right now

doing this to procrastinate form doing my marine biology homework.
(im going to list things that i am, random facts about me. starting.... now)
the shortest in my family
Irish, Japanese, Scottish, German, Indian (Black Foot Tribe), Hawaiian, Chinese, British
very messy
confused about what i want to do in life
eager to find new music
looking for a special someone
not looking forward to school tomorrow
running out of things to say
the only girl of the cousins on my dad's side of the family
the only girl in the family that i grew up with, and the youngest
desperate to get a tattoo
going to get my septum pierced during spring break, at least i hope
hearing my mom's car in the drive way
bored of maui
glad that i was home alone today
going to put my mom's lint roller back upstairs
excited that my mom got the paper that i need for my dad to sign for me to get my permit!!
hungry
going to do my marine biology



bye

there's so many answers to that question. but today i had to ask myself why did the chicken try to cross the road? especially during traffic??
so, i was walking home from the bus stop and i see a chicken in the middle of the road and i think to myself "oh no, this chicken is going to die!"
its about to start crossing the road, when a big black truck comes right behind it and the chicken made a quick U-turn and feathers fly, it makes a funny sound. and i laugh at it, the girls walking in front of me turn around to look at me strangely.. maybe they thought that i was laughing at them, not sure..
so yeah, that was funny!

i didn't test on anything today for piano, im already fucking failing in that god damned class. shit!!
mahea's mom told her to put make up on which made me really mad, she looks completely fine with out it. so many people do, its just that we feel insecure about ourselves and we shouldn't feel the need to look good to others we just need to feel good  and confident about ourselves. it makes me so angry that people tell you how you should look, that you need to be a certain way for certain people. you should be you for everyone, no matter what. life isn't real if you're fake.
i think seeing people without make up is strange because you get used to seeing them like that for a long time and that image is constantly in your head when you think about that person, even though you knew them when they didn't wear make up. you adjust to the change a person had made and you accept them, but you are shocked when you see them revert back to "your oldself"
be not insecure of looks, they matter not to those who love you.

haha i just made that up. don't really think it makes sense. but oh wellllllll


okay going to bed.

especially if you're feeling a bit tipsy. but if you're smart you wouldn't try what i did! putting the video up tomorrow.
this weekend has been very good. im sad for it to come to a close. the fun gradually grew with each day, and the human contact did too. friday i stayed home because of the storm, which didn't really seem like a storm. but in some parts of the island it did, a tree went through someone's roof in kula, someone's stairs got torn off their house on their beachfront wailuku property. that sucks A LOT. i did nothing at all that day. pretty sad.
saturday Caitie and I watched Paul Blart: Mall Cop. that movie was pretty alright, not the greatest. I only saw one of the previews, so it wasn't spoiled for me. like the "peanut blart and jelly" part. i could not stop laughing! yeah so when i got to the theater Caitie texted me saying that she was 20 minutes away, so i just sat down and listened to my ipod, and saw the line growing. so i was going to stand in line and buy her ticket too just in case it sold out. but she said ten minutes away. so i waited, then she said 2 minutes and i got in line to get my ticket. when she finally reached the theater i got in line to save her a spot, and the guy put up the SOLD OUT sign. so she just bought a ticket for the unborn. and we were late for the movie obviously.. we got out popcorn and drink then went to look for a seat... we ended up on the stairs, then a worker came in and said that we can't sit there. but there was at least 10 other people on the stairs. what ever, we moved to the front row.. not my favorite spot to be. we drank the juice so there was enough room for me to put the "water" (vodka). we were almost tipsy when we left, early. i had to pee like it was nobody's business! we left right after that stupid S.W.A.T. jackass got arrested. it was obvious that he would end up with the girl so we went to pee. then we walked to the mall and chatted with mahea before she had to go in for work. had some candy. i bought caitie jamba since she bought the popcorn and drink. i bought panda's and then her mom picked us up. end of day.
sunday was fun! i woke up at like 9 something, got dressed, ate, brushed my teeth, did my make up. everything was out of order. haha. i waited around for aunty lori to pick me up for driver's ed at 12:30. class started at 2 ended an hour early at 4. seabury is a weird school, well how the campus is set up seems strange and confusing to me. when i was lying down on the couch in the teacher's office area my arm's shadow on my leg was greeeeeeeen! it was so cool. like... how the hell is a shadow green?? i tried to take a picture with my phone, didn't happen. aunty charlene didn't even remember me! haha but i didn't try to make her. aunty tammy didn't recognize me at first. haha. i feel so retarded for not having my permit! i need to get that paper to give to dad already! i am getting so damn impatient. but i think its kinda dumb because i dont even have a car to drive, and my mom wouldn't let me borrow hers because she works at night. uuggghhhh. okay yeaaaah. there was a girl named Laura, and she had a suuper high pitched voice it was annoying. she was very pretty.. she would answer pretty much every question even if it was directed to someone else, and she would make a lot of comments. she just seemed very awkward. terani was there too, but he was just making up a class. after class aunty lori dropped me off at the mall so i could watch bride wars with mahea. i fucking loved that movie!! anne hathaway is a goddess, i love her. she's so gorgeous. ooh i forgot! aunty lori is making me apologize to grandma lola, papa john, aunty lisa, and herself because i drank at their house, and it was grandma lola and papa john's alcohol. i didn't know that. kaili made it for me, but i don't wanna play the innocent card and blame it all on him. i don't even know what to say.. its so fucking stupid! god i hate her sometimes, she thinks that can just make me do what ever? her attitude is so stupid, and her personality bugs me a lot. i could go on and on about her. but if i read this in 4 years i will know exactly what i mean.. so yeaaaaah. bride wars. very good movie! cute stuff. when i bought the tickets i said "one to bride wars" and the thing said $19.00 and i was like WHAT THE FUUUUUCK!? but i got charged for two. which is retarded because i said one. haha i was my wearing my lesbian shirt so maybe he thought i was buying for mahea because we're on a date or something. hahaha funnnyyyyyyyyyy! after the movie we walked back to the mall and it was DESERTED. at 7pm. i didn't think that the mall closed so early but it does. haha. we wait at the bus stop, and we decide to go to our spot, and the ride takes FOREVER. and the guys who were sitting by us said something like "oh what is this? black vs. white? being racist?" and i thought that they were talking about me and mahea since we're white. and they were all darker and there was a black lady. and everyone except that lady was wearing black.. i think. or maybe between themselves it was b v. w. idk. it was weird! so we get to sack n save after the longest bus ride everrr. and we go to mc donalds to get sundaes. then we start to get scared that creepy people will be by the river, so we look to see if the water was running, which it was then we go back to the main road and walk home. then we mixed out first drink at 9pm. that was a blast! only the 2nd time i was drunk with her. we've been getting drunk with everyone else except each other. so it was fun to do it. and hahahah! we went to go smoke outside, but i was scared that my mom was going to come home. so we were gonna go by the sewing room but i went behind the sheds. ahah it was so funny. the cigarette went by so fast.
todaaaaaaay i woke up at fuckin 7:45 to turn off my music because it was playing all night. and i see that mahea still has the trash can next to her on my bed. and i go to take a picture, but the flash comes up and she wakes up. so she hid her face. but the picture is still good because she is sleeping next to a fucking trash can like it was a teddy bear or something. she said that she fell asleep with her face in the trash can (from the bathroom) and she could feel things on her face. haha too classic. we ate, she had coffee and i had ibuprofen. then we blew bubbles!! got dressed and headed for the mall. totally forgetting that we would have to meet Kali there. i pretty much spent all my christmas money!! i bought 3 pairs of pants: one purple, one gray, one black. one v-neck shirt. one skirt jumper thing. and i bought mahea a uber cute flannel. and food. haha. i spend a total of $133.91 today. i am never getting a credit card. i know that even if its for an emergency i will use it for shopping and shit. i wanna see confessions of a shopaholic. haha. so we met up with Kali and he had parrot bay! and i felt bad because we didn't want any. but we told him last night that we did... but that was just the alcohol talking. so he's saving for this weekend! then we all left... and here i am. haha
i need to get ready for school.

bbyyyyeeeeeee








sexual

i run, sometimes i hide, sometimes i'm scared of you
but all i really want is to hold you tight
treat you right, be with you day and night
baby all i need is time

haha i was just thinking about things i want and that song popped into my head.
Such as, I wish that my dad had a job that didn't require him to travel all around the world so i could always visit him during breaks, and i could send him the paper for me to get my permit. And I want my parents to live closer to each other.
But if that was the case, I wouldn't be able to see my other family. Or experience certain things that are mostly only available there.
If my parents were still together, I would be living in Massachusetts right now and never would have met any of my amazing friends, or had the opportunity to go to the school I go to now. I would be in public school, sure I'd be happier but maybe not as smart or aware of certain things. I wouldn't be able to visit my humongous family here in Hawaii.
I've always believed that things happen for a reason, with few acceptions. What if Uncle Lance wasn't friends with Uncle Eddie, then mom and Uncle Lance wouldn't have ever met and I wouldn't live down here and things would be completely different. If one decision or situation in your life were different your whole life would be different. Not things like "if i hadn't eaten McDonalds, or if i had just exercised more" not silly things. Real deal, meanigful things.
But I should never think too much about these kinds of things or else I begin to loose myself in crazy thoughts. Or I think all my decisions through way too much. So just live life and let it take you on the journey it has for you, or the journey you have for it. which ever you preffer. I think that they are similar phrases.

since theres no such thing as snow in hawaii, we have storm day instead of a snow day. ahaha
mine was so lame! i stayed home all day, ani called me at 7:22am just to talk to gram and then mom and gram left at 10 something. and mom told me to not go out. ugh that made me so mad! and i was home alone all day. i fucking hate that they always make me fucking stay at home just to fucking do nothing. and she said not to stay in my room all day. well what the fuck am i supposed to do? go for a jog in the storm? stupid dumb ass. then she calls me at 12 to make sure that im up. who cares if i slept the whole day? i didn't do anything all day anyway. my mom is so fucking stupid sometimes.
i went to school 3 days instead of 4, and now we have a 4 day weekend instead of 3! haha yeaaaaya!

man in piano i totally forgot how to play. and when i was getting tested my mr. nitta i had my hand in the wrong place because i didn't look at the clef. what a retard i am.

im so sick of maui, i can't wait to get off. uuggghhhhhh. i want to drink, but im home alone and that would be pathetic if i did. i want to meet new people on this island on my own. instead of my friends. i want a boy that i can relate with and that understands me.

i mean blog... today was so stupid, i wish i could pour bleach in my head to make it all go away. lance is the stupidest human being that i know, and i cannot wait to be away from him permanently. im the last of the children so i get to have all the shit dumped on me, oh goody! i am so fucking annoyed by his behavior recently it makes me want to murder him, i actually thought about it, he's not worth the prison sentence. he's not worth anything to me. i hate being so fucking unhappy because of him, he's not even my dad! he's only been my mom's boyfriend for the past 11 years.. but for crying out loud, he used to be nice to me. stupid fucking ass hole, its probably a mid-life crisis along with golfing and drinking with people half his age. ugh! i know that i should do my chores on a timely manner, but really... who the fuck is it going to kill if the dish rack gets full before i put them away? so what if it will teach me responsibility. i know how to be responsible, i just chose not to be.
i cannot wait to go to college, i will graduate from high school, have my party then leave with in the next week. i will not be around him more than i need to. i need to get a car so i can leave when ever the fuck i want to. he has no ties on me anymore.
hmmmmmmm, all this talk made me think of queen. haha
I want to break free
I want to break free from your lies
Youre so self satisfied I dont need you
Ive got to break free
God knows God knows I want to break free

so purple is almost my new favorite color, i have no idea why but i am absolutely drawn to it more than ever. i love it so much!

okay yeah, so today kellie was supposed to take me up to school, but didn't because of her ankle. so i asked lance if he could take me, and he asked me, "why weren't the dished put away" and i was FURIOUS so fucking annoyed. i hate when my mom and him do that, just fucking answer the god damn question first! school is so much more important than stupid dishes that i didn't put away. stupid fucking idiot. then my mom called right after, and gave me an unnecessary warning. and just made me feel like absolute shit about myself. so fucking dumb
and i missed my first real day of piano, it better not happen again.


so monday in 4th block FIDM called my cell, and i answered. haha yeah, so smart of me. and the lady figured that i was in class so she told me to call her back, but i haven't yet. and everyone was listening to their ipod and doing work and i showed mahea what song i was listening to (circus) and really loudly she said, "I listen to her a lot lately" and the whole class just turned around since we sit all the way in the back. i could not stop laughing. and then Cajudoy makes it better and says, "I know you're not talking about me" and mahea only caught on like 20 minutes later. hahaha

gram is still here, she was gonna go home today. but she's staying till friday.
all i did today was finish part 3 of breaking dawn. it wasn't too horrible to read it again, i thought that i was going to hate it because the movie characters would be in my head, but they weren't. and i have a theory about why Bella was so mature and could control herself so easily... her mom would tell her that she was born middle-aged or something like that. so maybe the same thing applies to her immortality. that's what i think and i'm sticking to it.

uugghh! i shouldn't have taken a nap today, now i'll be up for a long time.
blech

the piggy cried all the way home. my camera died! what the fuuuuck? that means no photo today. but i know exactly what i was going to do. there are no batteries in my house, and camera phone is insufficient to say the least.

uuggh mondays, i hate mondays with a passion. school was shitty. blleecchh

I didn't do day nine yesterday because my computer was being stupid and wouldn't show my task bar thing, idk what its called..
but i did take one picture last night. so that's what I'm gonna use. It has nothing to do with folie a deux, but its the only thing i have.
so the auntys came over last night, discluding mapu. but before that it was just gram, me, and mom. i drank some chivas regal and that stuff is so strong! even with water.
when i made mine gram was like "yours is stronger than mine!! it looks like she she"
then i took my first sep. and said "i have to pee"
then she said "but you only took one sip"
i said "you said she she, so now i have to go pee!"
so i finished my glass and drank water and ate a whole bowl of soy beans!! i ate like half the pot by myself. but they were yummy, but cooked too long so the skin was weeiird. so when the auntys came over i was still drinking water and don said "what girl, you only drinking water?" and he started talking about drinking makes you look old, and he asked me how old he looks, but i didn't answer three times. so after my water i made myself cranberry vodka. yummy yummy stuff. then eeevery body came home as i was making my drink, and all kaili and micheal were like "what are you doing shelbs? is that alcohol in your drink?" and duuh i say no even though they know there is. but it was fun
then i started to get tired, being up for 19 hours and being cold isn't such a good thing. first i put on my flannel, then i put on a jacket, and then i put my pants on. haha with in a half hour. then i went to sleep. i was sooo shocked my mom let me drink. so hopefully she will let me today! :)

school, was laaaaame! my classes are alright, marine bio will suck hairy balls. i don't like iwamura and how he talks.. he seems very egotistical. and in piano mr. nitta said that we have a recital at the end of the year and my heart dropped, then he said for the class, so i didn't die. shiiiiiiit. i think im gonna do wake me up when september ends. idk yet. i have 5 months to figure that out. or maybe i'll do a classic piece but not a really long one. im really excited for dphoto 2, field trips! even in marine bio, but they're all gonna be out doors. eww sun. ahah

okay i have to get ready for grammmmma lola's bday party.

after listening to folie a deux many times, i love all the songs. some a lot more than others, but the lyrics are fucking amazing. and for my 365 project for the next 13 days i will try to portray a lyric from each song. i hope i can pull it off.

so yesterday garrett left to san diego to get cleared by his surgeon so he can go to Florida to start school for plane mechanics. don't quite know what to call it. after he finishes school he's gonna get assigned somewhere to work as a mechanic for 4 years i think he said. then he's gonna apply to flight school, and hopefully fly. i hope he gets his pilot license, what if there was plane police? that'd be pretty wierd. imagine if the whole world used planes as transport. what if evereything was so far from each other that we had to.. that'd be one hell of a world.

anywho.. got back form oahu at 10:30-ish and got home at 11:00. it was not fun waking up so damn early..i dread going back to school even though i'm gonna have good glasses, except marine bio! (ew) anatomy sounded too hard and the other science classes sounded super boooooooooring. i'm so excited for d.photo2.
so yeah, back to oahu. it was a normal trip, on the way over i rode in coach for the first time in ages. haha but it was 4th row way more room than first class. gram didn't know that we were coming, so it was a suprise and to see garrett since he didn't come last trip because he's a loser. so that night we went to the gym at 8:30, well we were supposed to. we started to get ready at 8:30 then left at like 9:00. there was a volleyball game so the parking lot was emptying as we got there. other teams that competed were there and we were supposed to play them. and my family did, i didn't. there was jus too much people watching. i so would have if there wasn't as much people. it was fun to watch though. we left at midnight, all the cousins went to sleep except me, paka, and garrett. garrett ate then went to sleep at 1:30. then dustin drove to the house and ate and stayed for till like 3 i think. the kamehameha parents and students except harley were talking about how shitty the school is, just the rules and petty shit like that. i thought that the big island campus wouldn't be as crappy as maui is but it sounds the same..
this weekend i realised that i have a potty mouth. it was pointed out by dustin, not really but he was like "hey" when ever i almost swore or said frick. and i swear a lot in front of mom now.. but it was so funny when mom was talking about her bumps and that none of her sisters or brother has them. and dustin was like "fuckers"
hahaha it was very funny.
saturday we took garrett to the airport, i fucking ate mcdonalds. eewwwwwww. i knew i shouldn't have. i felt so sick, i hate going to oahu because they all eat so much fast food. ugh. no more for the rest of the month.

gram is coming over for grandma lola's party. a long with the rest of the ladies. its pretty strange that gram's good friends are grandma lola's good friends too..

and thats a wrap of these past two days

i was gonna use this for my day three but the whole toyota pontiac thing was funny and wanted to share.

This was a new year's celebration that i will never forget. it was so much fun, and cold!!
I went to Kellie's house at 1:45 and was put to work, well not really but I did work. everyone started to come to the house around 6. and we started fireworks at like 7. i only brought morning glory's and ground bloomers. but uncle les bought a lot to keep us entertained. i tried to golf, using a crackle bomb as the golf ball and i didn't hit the ball obviously. first i tried with my left hand then my right, it didn't matter. haha
food was scrumptious and Kellie's banana cream pie was yummy. everyone was just hanging out, playing pool, doing fireworks, melting buckets and bottles. Kellie's mom Aunty Frances told me to invite my step dad, but he was up country and drunk so he came at like 9 and my mom came at 11. they were being so loud! and uncle lance was so fucking loud, and reddddddd. Aunty Frances gave me a few sips of her champagne, pretty yummy. at mid night we had the grand finale, i lit the long crackly one. those are my favorite. after we cleaned the yard up all the "young adults" went into the house to watch burn after reading and i don't think anyone was paying attention except me. at the ending of the movie everyone was getting ready to head to Haleakala. and Aunty Frances was about to go in the shower and i had to pee really bad, but i wanted to watch the last 5 minutes of the movie. so i just peed and left.
we left for the summit way, way, way too early. we were there for at least and hour and a half before the sun actually came up. and there was not as much people as i thought there would be.. maybe because we were at the higher spot. it was cold!! mostly my toes though. at like 6:20 i got really light headed, like when you're out of shape and you exercise really hard. but way worse. i couldn't hear anything, my eye sight was fucked, i almost puked, i couldn't walk straight, and i was crying. hahaha its kinda funny now that i think about it. but i wanna know why it happened.
when the sun was half way up all 8 of us wanted it to be over already. so we left before we saw any part of the sun. we didn't care too much. and i sat next to michael on the drive down, and he was leaning on me so much. it was pretty funny. tyler and kilo said that his mouth was open and he just looked weird. i went to sleep after 30 minutes i think. man... if i was Kellie I wouldn't have been able to drive with out sleep for nearly 24 hours. so pulled a 23 hour, not an all nighter. haha
when we got back to Kellie's I went to sleep and woke up at 11 to find everyone outside doing some cleaning up and I went and they went right back in when I came out. hahaha i felt really stupid. but anyway, i stayed out there because it was nice and breezy and inside was really hot. then i went back into the house and they put step brothers on, i fell asleep for like 3 minutes during that movie, then they put in 10,000 BC and i fell asleep about half way through that movie, then i woke up at like 3 or something and it was the new mummy movie. and i just went back to sleep and when i woke up it was 6 and Monk was on. then i ate and Aunty Frances drove me home. and here i am writing this. haha

as of right now that is..
i am so excited but scared for this new year. I'm gonna have to start sending in college applications and taking the SAT. oh boy, oh boy. I hope this year is really exciting, and busy, without a dull moment. This year went by so fucking quickly it's quite unbelievable. Reading my actual journal which i filled out entirely from January 5, 2008 to May 25, 2008 its kinda weird. Maybe i will actually use a real journal. i have so many incomplete journals. pretty stupid.
well tomorrow I will be going to Kellie's house for her 3rd annual new year's party, my first time to one. it should be a good time. we might even go to Haleakala to watch the first sunrise of the year. i really, really want to do that. of all my years of living in maui i haven't watched the sunrise from there. but i've been there many of times. I didn't even buy any fireworks this year, I find it pointless and annoying now. except morning glory's and sparklers, ooh and california candles. hahaha but i always love the grand finales. my cousin Dustin sells fireworks, like major ones but its illegal to take fireworks on a plane.. shitty! should've used the ferry, but that's not free.
okay anyways.. haha i got $100 from my grandpa yesterday, Christmas present arrived late. oh well, better late than never right? daddy-o's present still hasn't arrived but I'm chill for now because I know I'm getting something... but I wanna spend that $100 right away. Mahea and I are buying a hookah and I'm getting my septum did (i hope). hopefully that's enough. then haircut before break is over.
i wanna buy like 10 bottles of apple cider, i love that shit and i could drink it every day! i need to wake up early so my mom can take me to Kellie's early so I can help around the house and stuff. I love her family so much.
It's bobo-san's birthday tomorrow!! haha and yessssssss MCR starts recording their new album this year. so hopefully they'll be on tour during summer. that would fucking rock my world. aaaaaand i wonder what baby way will look like, and if there will be any other expecting wives.

i'll stop this here.
tomorrow at 12:00 i start my 365 project!

why is that when ever something is going good for me, or I'm doing fine someone fucking idiot has to come and ruin it all for me? why? i want to know why the universe fucking hates my god damn guts. i get blamed for shit that i didn't do, things get pointed out that have been around for ages and they just decide to take a fucking crap on me. all the fucking time. why in the hell does it happen to me?
i so seriously say that i do not have a family that i belong to. no i don't and if anyone of my "family" members tried to tell me any different i would just laugh in their faces. why would a family member make you feel like shit about things that you love, or mock things that you enjoy in life, why would someone who is supposed to be your family say such judgmental things. it is beyond me that "family" does that kind of shit.
i have two "families" one in hawaii and one in new hampshire. i never know which to stay with over breaks because there are so many things that i don't like about either. one side is the epitome of people that i hate, but they can understand me sometimes and we get along. but they can say things that make me want to just punch their faces and rip their eyes out. and the other side is the epitome of what i like, yet they make fun of me and what i stand for even though they don't know i stand for it. sure they should know that i do. but why would i tell them if i'll just get mocked and made fun of?
i am so insanely sick of people that i hate being around, i wanna hurry the hell up and get out of hawaii. i need to be around people that i like and get along with. i need to find someone who understands me and everything that i stand for, someone who will forgive my faults and not make their faults into mine. it is so ridiculous that adults tell you that you did something that you didn't do when they were the very ones to do it. or when they ask you if you did something and you answer yes, and they scream and bitch at you about how you messed it up, but your mess was so fucking small you could barely see it but you forgot to put something back so you get blamed for everything. when you know that it was their fault, don't you just want to scream at them and tell them to wake the fuck up?
and its so much worse when they tell you shit like "the future is gonna be tough for you" shut the fuck up dumb ass I'm going to college unlike you. when they repeat themselves over and over and over it get so sick and you just know what's gonna happen. yeah it makes a person want to do what they're supposed to. but we're all human beings, and we like to relax, or we're forced to because we're not allowed out for stupid ass reasons.
i cannot believe i was thinking about him as my "dad", sure he's been around since i was 4. but i have never called him dad a day in my life and i never plan on doing so. he's a fucking bipolar psycho maniac who needs help. too many fucking drugs, too much drinking. almost died from drinking yet you're still doing it. you fucking idiot. i wish you the worst. i don't even care about you. i don't ever want any thing from you in my life again. i hate how you treat me, like shit. i don't even care about all the times you've been nice to me and gave me things. it doesn't matter because you are just scum to me. you are so obnoxious and such a hypocrite that i cannot stand you. i love being alone in your house while you're working to pay for it, and i love that i spend more time in it than you do.
you always say poor you, poor (insert certain child's name here.) but you know why they're like that? because of how you didn't raise them. you're not a good parent. you don't teach values that a child can take with them in their future. you know jack squat about money and finances. you're an idiot. you'll never be able to buy things that you want to, you probably will be working for the remainder of your life. you're an idiot to switch jobs, to a job that only promised you 5 years. not a smart move. i can't wait to show you up when I'm older and i can buy everything that you wished you could, and when I'm able to take care of my mom. and possibly you aaahhhh now i feel better, and a little bad about what i wrote. oh well.

I've decided to call them goals not resolutions. Resolution sounds retarded now.
I'm starting off with my typical ones.
1. keep a journal everyday, maybe I'll just blog on buzznet every two days or something.
usually, I'm good at it for about 4 months then I stop.
2. exercise more and eat healthier
3. keep my room clean

and now for some good ones
4. get my license before senior year

5. restore an old car to run on vegetable oil with dad and grampy

6. do the 365 project starting on new years day, maybe i'll take pictures of the "grand finale" of fireworks where ever i'll be

7. get a fucking job

8. buy Nikon D90

9. new iPod

10. decide on what college i wanna go to
(haha yeah I think NOT)
11. take the SAT twice

12. get straight As

13. have a kick ass Halloween costume

14. go to Japan

15. find the hottie I saw on the bus


That's it for now..

for anyone who reads...
what's your goals of '09?